When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I'm passing your future prison.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
