I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
