It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
In other news, I just burned my penis
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
Randomize