WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
He has the fingertips of a God
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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