im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
