I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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