So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
