You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
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