I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
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