My cat gives me a boner
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
