i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
