im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
