i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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