what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It's difficult when the romantic and the hedonist in me are fighting. I want him to respect me and hopefully pursue an actual relationship, but then I remember he fucks like a GOD and loves my kink. Oh, life's hard.
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