I have demons in me.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
