The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
