I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
