After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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