The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize