my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
