maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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