I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
