I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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