I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
