What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I stole a fireplace last night.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
