FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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