dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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