I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
