I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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