when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
