I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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