I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
you would pick up someone in the library
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
