i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Last time I had a one night stand he ended up stalking me for two months.
So you're not picking up this weekend?
This weekend, I am Angela, visiting from Calgary. We'll have to roleplay this.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Randomize
