so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Lo siento on account of my penis...
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
