I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I pour the whiskey from now on
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
