Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
