I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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