that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
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