i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
The adults are the big ones right?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
