forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
