I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
