Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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