life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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