My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
