FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
