I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
