You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
