I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
