Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
