I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Randomize
