weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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