My friends, they love my intelligence
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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