last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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