so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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