Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
