When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
