I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Randomize
