I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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