I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
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