I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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