he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
