I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
